


A Fun Trip Through the Mountains

by Joan_of_Arc



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 02:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1249456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joan_of_Arc/pseuds/Joan_of_Arc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On their way to the Eyrie, Tyrion and Lady Stark are attacked by the mountain clansmen and taken captive after the fight. Bonds are made, conclusions are reached and truths are confessed.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captives

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, instead of defeating the mountain clansmen, Tyrion and Lady Stark are the only survivors of the attack and get captured.

Clash!   
Swoosh!  
Bang!

He could hear metal hitting metal, metal biting through flesh, flesh hitting the ground; screams of all kids, the fighting kind, the brave kind, the dying kind. He had just avoided being hit with a sword when another man stepped in front of him. Just when he thought he was about to meet the Seven, he saw a blade protrude from the man’s chest. As the man fell to the ground, he was replaced by the standing figure of Lady Stark hands outstretched holding nothing but air. 

He looked around and all he saw were the bodies of his companions on the ground. Some still bleeding, some writhing in agony and some no longer bleeding nor writhing. Out of the party that had left the Inn three days ago, only him and Lady Stark remained. She had blood smeared all over her clothes but otherwise seemed to be unharmed. He could complain till the skies fell about all the aches and pains he had, but truth be told, he had also escaped unscathed. Or at least, until now. 

“Kill them” one of the mountain clansmen yelled.   
“No, wait, Don’t kill us” Tyrion interjected. “Why dirty your clothes and soil your weapons with our blood? We could be much more valuable alive?”.   
“And who are you?” asked the man  
“the proud Lord said…” sang Tyrion. “Do you know that song? It’s about my father, Tywin Lannister. You let us live, you take us with him and we’ll give you money, lots of money.”  
“We don’t eat money, we don’t wear money, we don’t kill our enemies with money”  
“We’ll give you food, clothes and weapons” said Tyrion “How do you fancy being part of the mightiest army in Westeros?”

The mountain clansmen bound his hands behind his back and then tied a rope binding him to Lady Stark, whose hands had also been bound behind her back. 

“Start walking, we have a long way to go” the man said as he mounted on his horse.   
“Not fair that we get to walk and you get to mount” said Tyrion.   
“Just be glad we are mounting horses and not you two, Imp” 

 

TBC


	2. Bonding

They had been walking for hours now. He really needed to pee, plus his feet were sore and his legs were cramping. He looked at his companion. She wasn’t doing much better, either. She looked flushed, her hair was damp with sweat and she was breathing heavily. Her face was rigid and her jaw was set. 

“Are you alright, Lady Stark?”  
“Of course I am. My companions are all dead, I have been kidnapped and I’m being forced to walk for miles on end tied together with you. Why wouldn’t I be alright?” she replied sharply.   
“I see your tongue is intact. Were you hurt in the fight?”  
“No. Were you?”  
“One of the advantages of being a dwarf, I make a much smaller target. I never thanked you for saving my life. That man was about to slice me in half. I would have been a half-half-man were it not for you”  
“You had saved my life just seconds before. We’re even now. Please forgive me, my Lord, but I’m very tired and really have no wish to converse with you.”  
“As you wish, my lady, but this could be a very long trip”

After a seemingly endless walk they came to a clearing by the river where they settled for the night. Before being tied to a tree Tyrion and Lady Stark were allowed to relieve themselves. They were brought food and ale and were left alone for the rest of the night. 

“If you didn’t send that assassin after Bran, then who did?” she suddenly asked after a very long uncomfortable silence.   
“I have no idea, Lady Stark.”  
“He was pushed from a window and then somebody tried to kill him with a dagger. Why? He’s just a little boy. I wonder what he saw in that tower”   
“And most importantly, who he saw” added Tyrion  
“Did you know that the day Bran fell, your brother Jamie did not join the hunt with my husband and the rest of the men? He was at the castle all day, but I never saw him. I never saw your sister, either, that day. At the beginning I was suspecting your brother and sister may have had something to do with Bran's accident and assassination attempt, but then Petyr said the dagger was yours, so I started to believe it was you.”  
“You shouldn’t believe everything Lord Baelish says.”  
“I know that now. How long has he been spreading lies about me?”  
“For as long as I have known him. I have heard him go into detail about the intimate moments you and him shared”  
“There were no moments!” she cried indignantly.   
“I know, but that never stopped him from talking about them”  
“It’s not your dagger, is it? How could I be so foolish?” she sighed.   
“I have no reason to want your son dead, my Lady. But if he saw something he was not supposed to see, those people might still want him dead”  
“Do you think it could have been your brother and sister? What could they be doing in the tower they didn’t want my son to tell?”  
Tyrion raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath “That’s not for me to say”  
“Oh, gods” said Lady Stark disgusted “You don’t think they were … and my son saw them. Oh, my poor Bran. I’m sure he didn’t even know what he saw. He probably thought they were just playing. There was no reason to push him out the window. Lannister or not, if I see them again, they are as good as dead” she said venomously. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I kidnapped you, Lord Tyrion” she added softly looking him in the eye. “You are different. You are not like your brother and sister”.   
“If there’s a lesson to be learned here, never cross a grieving mother, they tend not to be very rational.”  
“Ha! I’m very rational now, you should have seen me back at Winterfell” she laughed mirthlessly. “After the assassin was killed I burst into a hysterical laughter, they had to sedate me”  
“You? Hysterical? No!”, he mocked her.   
“Be glad my hands are tied, Imp.” she replied with a smile and they settled into a comfortable silence this time. 

 

“I can’t sleep. You are a mother. You must know many lullabies. Sing me to sleep” Tyrion asked his companion.   
“Let me sleep. I’m tired. I do not need your constant blabbing” came the tired voice of Lady Stark.   
“Yes, let’s sleep. We’ll need our strength for tomorrow.”  
“Lord Tyrion, how much longer is it to your father’s camp?”  
“We’ll probably be there in two days. One if we had a horse.”  
“I can’t walk that long”  
“What, good old Ned never took hiking in that vast empty North of his?”  
“I lied to you earlier today. I don’t feel so well. I’m sure it’s nothing, don’t worry”   
“How bad?” asked Tyrion.   
“I told you, it’s nothing. But I’m afraid I won’t be able to walk for very much longer”  
“Were you hurt during the fight? We should tell the men” Tyrion offered. “Maybe they can…”  
“No!” she interrupted “Do not tell them. If they see I’m not feeling well they may just leave me behind. Not that I will miss your company, but I really do not want to be left alone in these mountains.”  
“Then you should rest. I promise I won’t keep you up”. 

 

TBC


	3. Conclusions

Splash. What a way to wake me up, Tyrion thought as a bucket of water landed on his face. 

“Get up, Imp! Woman, wake up! We’re leaving” one of the men shouted. 

And they were tied the same way they had been tied the day before. 

They must have been walking for a good five hours, the sun was almost at its highest now and Tyrion felt as if his legs were about to be disentangled from his hips. What would he give for a horse now! Forget the horse. What would he give for a bath, good food and a whore! My kingdom for a whore, he thought. But he was stuck in these god-forsaken barren mountains, with these backwards clansmen and a stuck up Lady Stark. Although he must confess, last night’s conversation had been almost warm. Maybe she was not that bad after all. Just as he was about to take a look at her, he felt a tug at his waist. She had tripped and almost taken him down with her. Having her hands bound behind her back she was not able to break the fall. He watched as she struggled to get back on her feet. 

“I’d give you a hand but I…” as she glared furiously at him he said “I’d better shut up”. Now I know how Jon Snow feels, he thought. 

When they stopped again for lunch, the men untied both Tyrion and Lady Stark.   
“You try to run away and we’ll chop off your manhood and feed it to the goats” one of the men told Tyrion. “And as for you” he said to Lady Stark “we’ll cut off your tongue and shove it up your nose”.   
“I’ll be as docile as a baby, I promise” said Tyrion 

The men brought them some of the roasted lizards left over from the night before and some stale bread. 

“Mmhh tasty”, he said sarcastically. Tyrion wolfed down the food but noticed Lady Stark wasn’t touching hers.   
“Not hungry, Lady Stark?” 

When she didn’t reply he took a good look at her. She looked pale, almost green, with dark circles under her eyes. Her lips were a whitish shade of pink. She looked as if she were about to throw up. 

“Are you feeling alright?”  
“No” she said and turned around and started retching. 

He got up and stood next to her. He handed her a some water and watched as she rinsed the vile taste off her mouth. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably just the sun and the long walk”  
“Here”, he said, and offered her his shoulder to lean on. He was surprised when she accepted and he started stroking her back. It was a matter of seconds before he could hear her soft snores. 

Tyrion was almost done with the food when the men came again. He was able to negotiate with them so that their hands would not be tied. 

“Lady Stark”, he woke her softly “we need to get going again”

With a very unlady-like grunt she finally managed to get on her feet. They started walking again, but she was slowing them down. He started to worry the men would decide to leave her behind, so he kept pushing her. 

“So, what’s the first thing you want to do when we get to my father’s camp?” he knew she was not going to answer, so he continued. “Me, I’m going to take a long bath, get rid of these clothes and burn them. Then I’m going to sit at a table with utensils and eat as much as I can: roasted goat with slices of bacon, garlic potatoes, sun baked tomatoes with basil on top, garlic bread with lots of cheese and gulp everything down with a bucket of ale”  
“Please stop” she whispered and turned around to vomit again.

By nightfall, the woman was a mess. She reeked of vomit and sweat, her hair fell all over her face in all different directions and her clothes were stained with mud, half-digested food and blood. He guessed he didn’t look much better, but he was sure that he at least looked presentable and didn’t smell half as bad. He let her lean on him for the night to make sure she was somewhat comfortable. He recognized the symptoms. He had seen them in his sister when she had Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen. But the months didn’t add up. Ned had left Winterfell months ago and she was not even showing yet. Could she have been with another man? Could she have pulled a Ned on her own husband? It didn’t make sense. He was going to keep his thoughts to himself for the time being. 

 

TBC


	4. Truths

The following morning, it was only after a short trek that Tywin Lannister’s camp finally appeared on the horizon 

“We’re here” said Tyrion. “Let me go talk to my father and I’ll be right back.”  
“No” said the leader. “We all go. You try any tricks and I’ll chop off your manhood..”  
“Yes, and feed it to the goats” interrupted Tyrion. 

“Father!” he yelled as they walked into the camp. “I’ve brought soldiers for your army. They bring the guts and the gore, you just need to supply them with weapons”  
“What’s the meaning of this? Who are these people? I was told you had been kidnapped” replied an enraged Lord Tywin.   
“Yes, father, it’s good to see you too. I was at an inn on my way back from the Wall and I was captured by Lady Stark”  
“You let yourself be taken by a woman” his father said with disgust.   
“Not only did I let myself be taken by a woman, father, I also let myself be captured by a mountain clan. I’m such a disgrace. Yet, as I am also witty and keen on preserving my own life, I offered these fine men a place in your army and weapons in exchange for my life.”  
“What about the woman? Did you promise her weapons as well? Did you know King Robert has died? Did you know your nephew is doing shit as a King? Did you know this woman’s husband is wreaking havoc in King’s Landing”  
“No, I just told her to come with us so they wouldn’t kill her” Tyrion replied matter-of-factly.   
“She kidnapped you and you save her life. How honorable! I’m proud of you, son” said Twyin sarcastically. “Go, find yourself a tent and make yourself look presentable. Make sure the Lady gets a tent, too. I’ll go deal with your men”  
“Piece of advice, father, don’t cross them or they will chop off your manhood and feed it to the goats” 

 

After a nice bath, a change of clothes and a very large meal he felt refreshed, almost like a new man. 

“Father, how did it go with the mountain men. Is you manhood still intact?”  
“I paid them in gold and weapons and bid them on their way. They are not army material. They are too wild and unpredictable.”  
“Where’s Lady Stark?”  
“Sleeping. When she wakes up, send her on her way back to Winterfell. I want you to take a handful of men and go to King’s Landing help your sister sort out the mess she is in. Get rid of Lord Stark. I’m appointing you Hand of the King”

Hours later he came across a much refreshed Lady Stark.   
“Are you ready to go back home?” he asked her.   
“Actually, I’d rather go to King’s Landing. I want to see my husband”  
“How are you feeling?”  
“Much better, thanks. I guess all I needed was a bath and a good nap”  
“Yes, I’m sure that’s what you needed” he replied noncommittally “I‘m going to get horses and get everything ready for our trip. I’m coming with you”.   
“Lord Tyrion, you don’t have to”  
“Why, don’t tell me you have tired of my company already. Well, as it happens I am on my way to King’s Landing, as well”

They set out early the following morning. 

“Much better, isn’t it? Horses, real food, clean clothes, our hands aren’t tied, and we can stop whenever you need to rest, or vomit”   
“I promise, Lord Tyrion, I’m not going to get sick on you again” she laughed.   
“Let me ask you something, when was the last time you saw your husband?”  
“About five weeks ago. I met him in King’s Landing at Lord Baelish’s establishment. That’s when Petyr told me about the dagger”  
“I see. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you again. Can I give you some advice? Are you going to tell him of your suspicions about Jamie and Cersei?   
“That is none of your business”  
“Well, if by any chance you are, don’t. You’ll start something you won’t be able to finish.”  
“They pushed my son out of a window” she replied through clenched teeth. “That’s not something I can forget or forgive easily.”  
“Yes, so maybe they did. And when that failed they had no qualms sending an assassin after your boy. What do you think they’ll do to your husband, to your daughters who are still in King’s Landing, to you?”  
“I don’t care what they do to me. They will pay”  
“Let me ask you something else. When did you have your last blood?”  
“Lord Tyrion, how dare you?” she yelled back at him.   
“When?” he insisted  
After a long pause she said “I’m a couple of weeks late”  
“Do what I say, Lady Stark. Go to King’s Landing, get your husband and your daughters and go back home to your family. Forget about Jamie and Cersei, forget about marrying Sansa to Joffrey. He’s my nephew but I wouldn’t wish him upon my worst enemy, not even upon you” he smiled.   
“Thank you” she said honestly. 

 

TBC


	5. Family

After a three-day-long trip they finally arrived in King’s Landing. Lady Stark went straight to the Tower of the Hand in search of her husband. Tyrion, however, decided to take a walk around the city and the castle to oversee the conditions and the situation before talking to his sister. He then made his way to the Red Keep to have a long-dreaded meeting with Cersei, to have a conversation he was definitely not looking forwards to. 

“Sister, how are you? Long time no see. Did you miss me?” Tyrion greeted his sister as he poured himself some wine. “I certainly missed you” he said to the goblet.   
“Why are you here?” Cersei asked coldly.   
“Father sent me. He seems to think you need help. Oh, before I forget. I’m sorry for your loss. Your husband shall be sorely missed. You seem to be still in mourning what with your colorful dress and all the new décor in the Main Hall.”  
“What do you want Tyrion?”  
“Why, I’m glad you ask. I am to be Joffrey’s Hand”  
“We have not appointed you. I’m Queen Regent”  
“Well, then I guess I am also your hand, although I’m sure you much prefer Jamie’s”  
“Ever so subtle my little brother. Well, go then, get rid of Lord Stark. He’s starting to annoy me”  
“Yes, I have heard the rumors. Apparently he is starting to suspect some awful lies about you and your children. Don’t worry, my sweet sister. I’m here to save you, the King and the Realm” he said sarcastically. 

Tyrion then made his way to the Tower of the Hand and he came across Lord and Lady Stark. 

“My wife tells me I owe you her life” Lord Stark greeted him  
“Well, she kidnapped me, we got involved in a fight, she saved my life, I saved hers, we got ourselves kidnapped and then we went on a fun trip through the mountains. We’re travelling companions she and I.” Looking at all their luggage he asked “Are you leaving soon?”  
“Yes, we are all getting on a boat later on this afternoon. No more horses and no more walking” Lady Stark said with a hint of a smile.   
“Are you taking my advice then?”  
“Yes, Lord Tyrion. Thank you” she replied.   
“You’re welcome. It’s been a pleasure. Congratulations to both of you, and don’t forget, Tyrion is a very manly name. Or Tyrienne is also nice” he added before he turned around.   
“I’ll make sure to remember that” she laughed. 

As Tyrion started to make his way back to the Main Hall he heard Lord Stark ask “What was that about? What’s this about following his advice? Congratulations? About what? What about his name?”  
“Come on my love. Let’s get the girls and get back to the family. There’s a lot we need to talk about” she said and she took her husband by the hand. 

Ah, family, Tyrion sighed. A father who loved his wife and children fiercely. A mother who was ready to risk her life for her children. A husband and wife who shared an unbreakable bond. Yes, just like the Lannisters of Casterly Rock, he though ruefully to himself. He loved his family to death. And he was afraid that was precisely where he would end up one day because of them. 

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the story. Thank you for reading it. I hope you liked it.  
> If you have read the story, please leave me a comment to let me know you have read it and whether you liked it or not.  
> Thanks.


End file.
